A Complete History of My Sexual Failures (2008)

By: Onya Ganja

Genre: Documentary, Romantic

Happy Stoner Rating: 2/10

I went with a Sativa/Haze leaning skunk for this film. (The kind of weed that makes everything you own smell like a dead skunk zombie army is following you around). It also kinda makes me feel like I have a pumpkin for a head and all the seeds have been scooped out. Know what I mean? Nevertheless, I should of went for an ice-pick lobotomy for this flick … is there a weird strain called that? I hope so.

Anyways, fuck this film. I was  tempted to turn it off after 2 minutes but got 56 minutes deep on account of some of this guy’s ex-girlfriends being of that interesting looking hot variety (my favourite variety).

Can I have those minutes of my life back? (Said myself and I am sure all the women he ever slept with.) It almost reminded me of the vignettes I have to watch in my abnormal psychological lectures. Is he clinical insane? Or just really annoying? Let’s debate! Fuck that noise.

I don’t want to sound like a murderous bitch but after 56 minutes of this guy’s stupid face I can see why one of his ex-girlfriends wrote a murder fantasy book about him. You know what though, I could almost tolerate his face but it was the limp flaccid penis shots that allowed me to work through my highness and turn the TV off.

Final Thought: Fuck this film and fuck this guy’s expressionless face. I give “A Complete History of My Sexual Failures” a 2/10 because it sort of made me feel like less of a failure at relationships. Which was kinda nice.

Toke it easy,

Onya Ganja

Dawn of the Dead (Guest Review)

Holy fuck Dawn of the Dead… This movie blows my mind. I learned long ago that there is only one good apocalypse to look forward to, and it is that of the zombie variety. The story is typical zombie par with an outbreak of the walking dead all over Whatever-It-Is City. I’m not sure if the name of the city is an important detail. If it is, I already forgot, and I don’t want to look it up. Sorry. 🙁 

Anyhow, this movie is quite the flick for gore enthusiasts. Like, at the very beginning something like… Five guys die right before the title is even shown. That’s better than SAW, Paranormal Activity and Blade put together. But Blade can be excused because that movie is fucking sweet and Wesley Snipes is the man. I also like the fact that Paranormal Activity was made by college students, and it’s not supposed to be a corey movie anyhow. So, Dawn of the Dead is pretty much the outright winner by like…. a Texas Chainsaw Mile. 

This movie is a long haul, so you’re going to need some snacks to fill your stomach. So, grab some chips or something. I dunno. You probably know your favourite movie snack better than me. But if you are going to eat chips, don’t bring salsa. The comparison between salsa and human body matter is pretty close, so those with weaker stomachs might get some mind-games shit going. Or bring salsa if you like eating people so you can gain their courage. I don’t judge. 

I would totally smoking something that will give you more of a “head” high, if you will. As mentioned, it is a long fucking movie so you can get utterly lost in that movie with the right weed. You may not remember the plot of the action fifteen minutes before, but everything looks fucking cool. People die and shit. And there’s explosions and helicopters. Trippy shit. 

All and all, I’d give this movie 5 zombie daughters out of 7 George Romeros.

Stay high folks.

The Sandgoose

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Lords of Dog Town

By: WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

Genre: (according to Netflix…) Sports Drama based on real life

Awesome Level: FUKKIN’ AWESOME

Cheeseburger Rating: 9/10 (I would have liked there to be more weed smoking and sex having)

So, while I sit at home day after day nursing this heinous leg and ankle break, that I got from eating shit on my long board a few weeks ago… what do I see come up on Netflix, but Lords of Dog Town. AW HELLZ YAH. This movie is exactly what I need to be watching right now to help me forget about this shitty cabin fever.

After spending the day smoking this beautiffuull home grown weed that my boyfriend brought me, We finally settled down and watched Lords of Dog Town. Ever though I’ve seen the movie multiple times before, my mind was STILL blown. Every time I watch it, I feel the sudden urge to skate down town, graffiti everything and defy my elders… or some variation of that. It’s the perfect movie to get you pumped up to be a bad ass.

If you’re into surfing movies, skating movies, sexy men, sexy women, the 70’s, fighting, drinking, smoking…WHATEVER… you’ll probably end up enjoying this movie. And to boot, it’s based on a true story, and I mean… how can you go wrong with a true story?

So for all you stoner- skaters, and even the non-skating stoners, I suggest that you roll up a nice big joint, open the windows, let a breeze in, and just chill out and watch this movie with your friends. If you didn’t like skating before, you’ll fukkin’ love it after watching this movie. It’s about skateboarding pirates for gods sake!

Stay High,

WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

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Ps. This post is dedicated to my Dog town board. As I watch this movie I pledge homage you; though you are a cunty bitch and played a big part in my leg breaking.. I love you and can’t wait to ride you again.

The L Word (Seasons 1-6)

By: Onya Ganja

Genre: Drama, Gay & Lesbian, TV Series

Happy Stoner Rating: 6/10 (But if I didn’t love pussy it would probably only be a 4/10)

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Based on how dudes at the bar react when I try to get rid of them by saying I am a Lesbian … dudes could like this series, if they fast forward to all the getting it on scenes. Men are fucking pigs and like seeing girls go at it … wait … so do I … confusing …? Dudes should know that there are not enough tits in this series though. But can there ever be enough tits? No, absolutely not. I fast forward porn though so maybe I am not someone who should be commenting on such matters.

Realistically girl or guy, you will probably have a crush on at least one of these Lesbians and want to drop-kick at least four. If you are at least a little bit Lesbian and are stuck in a small town where there are no lesbians (only girls with lesbian hair-cuts making-out with their boyfriends) then I would say this is the show for you. There are six seasons so be prepared for a serious sloth fest.

I just all of a sudden got really stoned from the weed I just smoked. Man I love finding random mystery weed in a bag. Which reminds me – this show is good to watch while really stoned, even drooling on your couch stoned. All in all, stoned-coma or not, I suppose “The L Word” is top lesbian fluff as far as TV programs go. Up to you if you are into that or not … lesbian fluff that is.

Final Thought: “The L Word” is great for making your Lez-a-phobe roommate uncomfortable. Which … is pretty much always a fun-fest but if you aren’t at least bi-curious this series is probably not going to entertain you no matter how much weed you smoke.

Toke it easy,

Onya Ganja

p.s. It is definitely a show you have to watch from the very beginning. Don’t let some bitch convince you to watch some random mid-season episode, she is just trying to seduce you.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (2011)

By: Onya Ganja

Genre: Documentary

Awesome Level: When I got to turn it off early, I felt pretty damn awesome.

Happy Stoner Rating: 3/10

 

So, I could tell my roommate really wanted to watch this movie and … I have a crush on the cardboard cutout of J.B. in Shopper’s. So I agreed to watch it. I am a try anything once kind of girl after all (well anything but ass-sex and crack-cocaine, especially in combination). I decided I needed two kinds of weed to get through this flick. I went with the “Heavy D” and “4:20” entries of the Medical Marijuana Cup (refer to photos).

So I was pretty fucking high when I started to watch this movie. Not so high that I was tempted to wear sunglasses inside but high enough. I enjoyed the really bold statements my roommate made during the portion I could tolerate watching. Bold statements like “I love him” and “J.B. is the new Brad Pitt”.

What it all comes down to is that I can never objectify the cardboard cutout of J.B. ever again, even though he looks like a lesbian. You know why? This film showed me that there is more to J.B. than his girlish good-looks.  This movie made me see how J.B. started out by playing the bongos and jazz gigs. That’s pretty fucking cool.

If you daydream about smothering J.B. with your love – I am sure you will dig this whole film. If not, you will probably have to turn it off after about 40 minutes … tops … even if you are too high to pay attention.

Final thought: I am a little ashamed for watching this… I wonder how much more ashamed I will feel after I watch “The Human Centipede”. Hmm …

Toke it easy,

Onya Ganja

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