Footloose (2011)

By: WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

Genre: Drama, Musical, Teen Drama

Awesome Level: About as awesome as PpL wHO WriTe LykE Dis…

Cheese Burger Rating: 2/10 (only because the main chick is sexy and I have a weird thing for Dennis Quaid)

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I have NO idea what compelled me to watch this movie. Maybe it was the prescription drugs, or maybe it had something to do with the Say Yes To The Dress marathon I had just watched for three hours… either way, I have never regretted a decision more.

I clicked on this movie hoping to see tractor fights and kevin bacon look a likes… but that wasn’t the case AT ALL. The entire movie was basically just a bunch of people, with no acting experience, thrown into a field and told to flail their arms and legs around for a hour and a half. The only good part about this movie was the fact that everyone was beautiful, and enjoyable to look at, and that Dennis Quaid was in it… and if you ask me, those are HARDLY reasons for ANYONE to watch a movie.

So due to the fact that I was bound to the couch with my broken leg, I wasn’t able to smoke weed to watch this movie, maybe if I was able to smoke weed it wouldn’t have been such an epic pile of shit. I don’t suggest that anybody watch this movie unless you’re a 13 year old girl who still thinks that movie love stories make logical sense, and that watching people dance in a farmers field is interesting on any level. If you’re GOING to watch this movie and commit brain cell genocide.. I highly suggest that you get right fucked before hand so you don’t realize that you’ve subjected yourself to one of the worst remakes of an awesome movie EVER.

Stay High,

WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

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Dear Readers …

Dear Readers,

The Stoner Girls are super sorry that we haven’t been posting many reviews lately. Let’s face it… asking two stoners to commit to writing reviews consistently is a bit unrealistic. But, I promise that we’ll try to stop being so lazy and write more reviews soon.

Happy smoking everyone!

A Complete History of My Sexual Failures (2008)

By: Onya Ganja

Genre: Documentary, Romantic

Happy Stoner Rating: 2/10

I went with a Sativa/Haze leaning skunk for this film. (The kind of weed that makes everything you own smell like a dead skunk zombie army is following you around). It also kinda makes me feel like I have a pumpkin for a head and all the seeds have been scooped out. Know what I mean? Nevertheless, I should of went for an ice-pick lobotomy for this flick … is there a weird strain called that? I hope so.

Anyways, fuck this film. I was  tempted to turn it off after 2 minutes but got 56 minutes deep on account of some of this guy’s ex-girlfriends being of that interesting looking hot variety (my favourite variety).

Can I have those minutes of my life back? (Said myself and I am sure all the women he ever slept with.) It almost reminded me of the vignettes I have to watch in my abnormal psychological lectures. Is he clinical insane? Or just really annoying? Let’s debate! Fuck that noise.

I don’t want to sound like a murderous bitch but after 56 minutes of this guy’s stupid face I can see why one of his ex-girlfriends wrote a murder fantasy book about him. You know what though, I could almost tolerate his face but it was the limp flaccid penis shots that allowed me to work through my highness and turn the TV off.

Final Thought: Fuck this film and fuck this guy’s expressionless face. I give “A Complete History of My Sexual Failures” a 2/10 because it sort of made me feel like less of a failure at relationships. Which was kinda nice.

Toke it easy,

Onya Ganja

Dawn of the Dead (Guest Review)

Holy fuck Dawn of the Dead… This movie blows my mind. I learned long ago that there is only one good apocalypse to look forward to, and it is that of the zombie variety. The story is typical zombie par with an outbreak of the walking dead all over Whatever-It-Is City. I’m not sure if the name of the city is an important detail. If it is, I already forgot, and I don’t want to look it up. Sorry. 🙁 

Anyhow, this movie is quite the flick for gore enthusiasts. Like, at the very beginning something like… Five guys die right before the title is even shown. That’s better than SAW, Paranormal Activity and Blade put together. But Blade can be excused because that movie is fucking sweet and Wesley Snipes is the man. I also like the fact that Paranormal Activity was made by college students, and it’s not supposed to be a corey movie anyhow. So, Dawn of the Dead is pretty much the outright winner by like…. a Texas Chainsaw Mile. 

This movie is a long haul, so you’re going to need some snacks to fill your stomach. So, grab some chips or something. I dunno. You probably know your favourite movie snack better than me. But if you are going to eat chips, don’t bring salsa. The comparison between salsa and human body matter is pretty close, so those with weaker stomachs might get some mind-games shit going. Or bring salsa if you like eating people so you can gain their courage. I don’t judge. 

I would totally smoking something that will give you more of a “head” high, if you will. As mentioned, it is a long fucking movie so you can get utterly lost in that movie with the right weed. You may not remember the plot of the action fifteen minutes before, but everything looks fucking cool. People die and shit. And there’s explosions and helicopters. Trippy shit. 

All and all, I’d give this movie 5 zombie daughters out of 7 George Romeros.

Stay high folks.

The Sandgoose

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Lords of Dog Town

By: WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

Genre: (according to Netflix…) Sports Drama based on real life

Awesome Level: FUKKIN’ AWESOME

Cheeseburger Rating: 9/10 (I would have liked there to be more weed smoking and sex having)

So, while I sit at home day after day nursing this heinous leg and ankle break, that I got from eating shit on my long board a few weeks ago… what do I see come up on Netflix, but Lords of Dog Town. AW HELLZ YAH. This movie is exactly what I need to be watching right now to help me forget about this shitty cabin fever.

After spending the day smoking this beautiffuull home grown weed that my boyfriend brought me, We finally settled down and watched Lords of Dog Town. Ever though I’ve seen the movie multiple times before, my mind was STILL blown. Every time I watch it, I feel the sudden urge to skate down town, graffiti everything and defy my elders… or some variation of that. It’s the perfect movie to get you pumped up to be a bad ass.

If you’re into surfing movies, skating movies, sexy men, sexy women, the 70’s, fighting, drinking, smoking…WHATEVER… you’ll probably end up enjoying this movie. And to boot, it’s based on a true story, and I mean… how can you go wrong with a true story?

So for all you stoner- skaters, and even the non-skating stoners, I suggest that you roll up a nice big joint, open the windows, let a breeze in, and just chill out and watch this movie with your friends. If you didn’t like skating before, you’ll fukkin’ love it after watching this movie. It’s about skateboarding pirates for gods sake!

Stay High,

WORLDS BEST GRANDMA

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Ps. This post is dedicated to my Dog town board. As I watch this movie I pledge homage you; though you are a cunty bitch and played a big part in my leg breaking.. I love you and can’t wait to ride you again.

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